Read Joining The Conversation pp.634-645 carefully, and identify specific areas that you need to revise or edit from the rough draft of your Proposal essay.
Read Joining The Conversation pp.634-645 carefully, and identify specific areas that you need to revise or edit from the rough draft of your Proposal essay.
eonjoopark
UB English 101: Spring 2015 
For my rough draft, I think I need to go through and reread it. I love spell check and grammar check because it is quick and easy so I know that there are misused words and improper grammar in my essay. Also, I really like the tip about highlighting your main focus and topics throughout the essay to make sure they remain consistent. this seems like a really helpful way to remain on track with the focus of your essay. This also allows you to make sure there is enough evidence in the essay to support the main point. This section provided a lot of helpful tips to implement on future writing projects.
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Rereading my draft, I need to work on sentence structures and conveying my thoughts. I need to read it as if I was someone reading it for the first time. The Heading “Focus On Style” on page 642 stood out to me. It says my readers will judge me on what i have to say and how i say it. I think i used too many repetitive sentences in my paragraph that I would have to edit. I need to choose better words to convey my thoughts.
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After reading the textbook I’ve come to the realization that I need to revise my rough draft by backing up my ideas more and suggesting a solution in more depth. The quote I used could probably be stronger to relate to my central point as well. I like the idea of putting myself in the place of my readers as explained on page 638. I will go back and use this strategy to create a more effective piece of writing in getting my point across. I could also use more statistics and sources integrated into my personal stories as well.
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After reading the book and looking over my draft I think i have to focus on cleaning up my ideas and keeping them more focused on the main topic. Sometimes when I write I go off on rants and get a little off topic so I need to keep my ideas on the main point only. I could also focus on my sentence structure. Sometimes I make sentences too long and create run on sentences because I try to squeeze too much information into it.
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After reading the book, I reread my rough draft. I came to realize that there were a lot of repetition of the same word. Also there were parts of my essay which was quite weak in delivering the message. In the text, it suggested reading aloud. I tried it and reading aloud actually helped in checking the fluency and how smooth the transition or the flow throughout the essay is. The text also suggests marking on the document. I started using the comment feature on word and as soon as I feel the need to comment about anything while reading, I note down everything that comes to mind even if it seems irrelevant. I reread the essay from the beginning again with the comments and they were helpful – sometimes with new ideas.
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With regards to revision, I would like to focus on structure. My paragraphs could have a more logical and natural flow. I may switch some paragraphs with each other and change transition sentences. Doing this may involve scanning headings and first sentences of each paragraph to understand each paragraph’s purpose, outlining, and mapping my document. To better assess the logic of my paper, I’ll use the exercises, “Put yourself in the place of your readers”, “Play devil’s advocate”, and “Play the ‘So what?'” game”.
For readability, I already have a preference for reading aloud to gauge how well the paper sounds. I will do this, and reading in reverse order.
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I can tell that my draft defiantly needed some revising. Originally I had a difficult time developing a clear concise problem with the educational system but I found that as I wrote more I started to develop a more clear idea of the issue at hand. I think that I need to go back and address the issue more directly from the beginning of the paper and come up with more examples of why this is such a problem in the educational systems. Another problem with my writing is that there is some incorrect grammar that I have to fix along with punctuation.
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when revising my draft, page 643 was a good way of confirming and encouraging my revising technique. beyond the obvious grammar and spelling check I always try and read my paper aloud no matter the level. when I read my paper aloud it almost feels as if im a different reader reading my paper for the first time and it allows to see the flaws in my paper that I might have though made sense to me when writing. reading aloud also allows me to focus on the tips given on page 634, tups like thinking about my audience will interpret my paper and whether they will trust what im saying. this reading was very helpful and made me realize how well or vice versa the revising process can be when done correct or incorrect.
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After rereading my rough draft again, I believe that I need to restructure the body of the piece. I give an example of math in music, however that space may be better used going into more detail on how to implement change. And example is a good tool when arguing that an issue is relevant, but in this case I think I’d be better off going into more detail on how to solve the problem and not proving the problem more thoroughly.
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After I reread through my rough draft, I think I need to use more specific attributions with my sentences. I often use simple words to phrase things, and that would blow away the powerful layers of the essay. A good specific attribution would simply make the essay more organize to read, and it would sound more professional. One other thing, I should keep the idea of my essay more consistently, because some of my sentences confuse the reader, and they might get the wrong idea of my essay.
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After reread my essay and book, i found some parts to fix it and methods to fix it. Obviously, there’s many grammar and spell error that i need to fix. But i was concern about essay structures and provide my idea and opinion more clear. In the book, it suggested to read a loud. After reread my essay aloud, i discovered that some sentence is not clear and some of words are repeated too much. Also, i find listing method in class during discussion and it will be helpful when i fix my essay. This method helps organize writer’s idea so i could write essay more clear. Rereading aloud makes me read different view so i could find more things to fix and helps me to realize awkward sentences. Personally i think that i need to improve on high level vocab too.
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After reading the book, i got more ideas and also how to review my rough draft. My only problem in an essay is how to organize the ideas and give more details to support the ideas. Even though sometimes i have many ideas but how to reorganize them in order of moment. In my draft, i found many repeating the same word.When i am revising my draft many times, i can find where is the mistake and then i edit.For myself, i really need to improve my writing especially how to organize the ideas.
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The book have given me some insight to better revise and edit my essay. I think i would like to review my proposal presentation and how it will affect the readers even if they are not from Malaysia. I would like my essay to provide a clear thesis statement and strong supporting points to create a impression on the readers. To have a better structure and organisation to provide easy reading and understanding of the proposal. To do that, i would need to revise my essay again after some time and read it in the shoes of a reader that completely new to the issue. Although i would most probably still have my writer’s bias, i would get another person i trust to help me review and propose how to better improve my essay. I would also have to strive for better economy of word as i realise my essay is really long and more than the intended word count.
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For revision of my proposal essay, I want to revise the fist part of body paragraphs, where I discuss the center problem’s significance and effects. In the mentioned part, there is a lack of accurate sources and concrete proof to support my main thesis. And the little of evidence that I use might not be the best suit for the problem suggested. The length of main body seems to be a bit problematic since compared to conclusion and introduction, it is so long that I will end up with an unnecessarily long essay.
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In my proposal essay draft, I needed to revise the overall structure of my essay since it was very unorganized. I also had to rephrase many of the sentences that were included in my essay. Since the proposed solutions were also very problematic, I had to work on proposing strong, feasible solutions and justify them. Rereading the same essay several times also helped me go over little things and make changes here and there while writing the draft.
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In my proposal draft, i needed to revise most of my entire essay. This was because my introduction was very long and not specific enough for the reader to analyze. My body paragraphs on the other hand were also not very specific and unorganized. The reader’s were very confused on the point i was trying to emphasize. What i did to make my proposal essay better was fixing the grammar issues, shortening the introduction into a short brief paragraph, focusing mainly on my point, and provided more specific examples within the bodies.
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Looking back on my rough draft of my proposal essay, some of the things that I needed to revise/worked on for my final draft was expanding on the first quote I introduced. For my introduction paragraph, I never really explained the relation of the quote, I just kind of threw in that informational statement in there without caring to explain how it special ties in with the problems presented. JTC also talked about consistency, one of the things I noticed about my essay is that I laid out the all the problems in the first few paragraphs but when it came to the solution paragraphs I ended up cutting it short
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When I go through my paper to edit and revise my paper. I found the my thesis statement which is my thesis is not clear enough to understand and figure out. So as I go through my paper, I was double checking my point to make it clear. Also since I am not the person who speaks English as first language, I make lots of mistakes with the grammar, for example, it is very hard to write the sentence right order because of the different arrangement of the Korean grammar, I think those two problem is the biggest problem that I have and need to fix.
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After reading Joining The Conversation pp.634-645, I spent my time reading my rough draft of my proposal essay. I was able to realize that I have to make my intro paragraph more clear. Although I spent many lines explaining my ideas and reasons, I fail to make my readers to know my main points. Because the intro paragraph fails to do its job, in order for readers to know my main ideas, they have to read my whole essay. I will achieve this goal by change my thesis statement clearly. I also need to make the intro paragraph a bit shorter to not make readers tired.
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